suvroc

I really haven't told y'all all of the stories from traveling... stories that I've been telling to lots of people in real life. I know, I know, I suck.

Here's a story that I told paraplegic at the bar a couple nights back... it's about Nazis, which always makes for a great story, as I'm sure you well know.

So when A. (aka purveyorofchaos) and I first got to Deutchland, we made the mistake of meeting up in Cologne, despite the fact that I flew in to Berlin. A. flew in to Cologne, but she could have just done the same thing I did and taken a train across the country to meet me instead of the other way around. Berlin is way cooler than Cologne. Unfortunately, I was being really neurotic and anxious at the time and figured it was a good idea to meet there. Also, I didn't think I had any place to stay in Berlin, though if I had just showed up at the haus, everything would have been fine. But, so be it, I came to Cologne and we kicked it there for a few days. It wasn't very much fun. I mean, it wasn't not fun. Just... Cologne. It's much less exciting than Berlin. Trust me.

But, yeah. After a week in Cologne, we had to get back to Berlin. The train was too expensive, I hadn't been hitchhiking yet, and so the only option we had left was the German rideshare site, http://www.mitfahrzentrale.de. A. had never used the site and I had never been to Germany before, but the dude we were staying with, from CouchSurfing, assured us that it was a legit and decent way to get from point A to point B. In fact, we would end up using the service again at the end of the trip, that time from Vienna to Berlin. That story is a lot less exciting than this one, but I'll tell it some other time, if you're interested.

The Web site was pretty straightforward, even with my at-the-time non-existent German skillz, and we managed to find a ride to Berlin for about $40 each. The drive from Cologne to Berlin is about seven hours, so $40 is not a bad price. The dude we'd be getting a ride from, let's call him Gunther, partially because I don't remember his name and partially because, well, the name Gunther is pretty funny. The only things I knew about him at the time were that he was in his early 30s, lived in Cologne, spoke English well, and was a techno DJ. Yup, a techno DJ. I wasn't exactly looking forward to being in a car with a techno DJ for seven hours, but what are you going to do? Me, I was planning on sleeping, though that wasn't going to happen...

( Here's the background for the story! I suggest reading it, and not just because it's awesome and funny and interesting. Well, mostly because it's interesting. But it is pretty long, so if you want to skip ahead, feel free. Behind the cut is talk of techno and conspiracy theories. Extra points for mention of castration! )

At this point we're a couple hours outside of Berlin. I'm super excited, and not just because it means we get to leave Gunther behind. I was in love with the idea of Berlin for years before ever going there. In fact, it's on my short list of places to move to if I ever got it in my head to leave Philly, which is pretty much not going to happen. But that's a post for a different day!

This is when Gunther dropped the bomb.

"So, when you are in Germany, are you going to go to any Holocaust, World War Two memorials?" he asked. "I don't know," I responded. "I assume they're pretty hard to miss." He didn't laugh. This was serious business. He continued, "Just so you know, I didn't kill anyone. My father didn't kill anyone. And my grandfather didn't kill anyone. I want you to know this." Cool, dude! Glad we haven't been in a car with a murderous Nazi or the son or grandson of a murderous Nazi! Good to know! High five!

I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of nodded enthusiastically.

That was not the bomb, however. No, the bomb was what he said right after:

"... If you even believe those people died."

Oh no you didn't even go there. I can take 9/11 conspiracies. I can laugh about thinly-veiled anti-Semitism. I can put up with a lot of shit, and I have, but Holocaust revisionism, to my face, by a German, that was something new and different. Actually, let me revise that slightly: Holocaust revisionism, to my face, by a German who knows that I'm from Israel. That's really the kicker. You're not dumb, Gunther. I'm sure you figured out that I was probably Jewish. So either you're that ignorant that you think that I'd be completely down with your dumb conspiracy theories or you're trying to piss me off. One way or the other, I was completely flabbergasted. It was awesome.

And we still had an hour and a half or so till we got to Berlin! I didn't want to tell him to fuck off. He could have kicked us out of the car and kept all our stuff. He could have, I don't know, gone back on his previous statement of not killing anyone. I don't know! I had never been in a car with a Holocaust revisionist before! I would have felt a tad scared had I not found the whole situation to be so ridiculous. It took me about five minutes - five long and awkward minutes - to finally say something, to finally change the topic back to something that wasn't, I don't know, horrible.

"So, we're going to be in Berlin pretty soon, huh?" I said. "That's pretty exciting." And I asked him about the DJ scene there and how it compared to the scenes in Cologne and the rest of Germany and Europe and so on and so fucking forth. I suppose I could have said something about how he was a complete and utter idiot, but I really didn't know how to even begin. Thankfully we were on the outskirts at that point and talk of Berlin flowed far more faster and easier than my brain was working.

We got to the city and he dropped us off at the Berlin Central Train Station, the Hauptbahnhof. Let me tell you, getting out of that car and watching Gunther drive away, I wanted to kiss the ground like a new immigrant. I don't remember what A.'s reaction was, but I'm sure it was equally full of relief. We made it! The crazy techno Nazi didn't dump us by the side of the road! We're in Berlin! This was all awesome.

So kids, what'd you learn from this story? That's right! That IS what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

Walter Sobchak: Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.
Donny: They were Nazis, Dude?
Walter Sobchak: Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration! Are we gonna split hairs here? Am I wrong?